Because that means after nearly 6 months of breastfeeding (not exclusively, but still) we are nearing the end of weaning. Adrianna has even started to notice what is going on because our babysitter said that she has started to reject the bottle and is trying to nurse. It makes me much more sad that I thought it would have, too. Once I was done weaning Brock it was such a huge relief because we never really did hit our stride & it was incredibly stressful to try to breastfeed and then pump to prevent engorgement. Don't get me wrong, Brock loved to eat, just not directly from the source.
But even still--yesterday I was packing away some of my breastfeeding supplies and I came ::this close:: to breaking down and crying. I know that it's silly because we are planning on having at least one more baby so I will get to do this again and I surpassed my original goal (breastfeed longer the second time around) and will meet my newest goal (breastfeed until Adrianna is 6 months old).
I feel like when I'm breastfeeding her, she is 100% mine. Nobody else can give her what I am and I love love love when she falls asleep at the breast. She is absolutely heavenly to watch as she drifts off into sleep and her little lips barely part as she begins to take soft, even breaths. She usually has one of her tiny hands on my boob just to make sure that I don't try to sneak it away from her and there is always milk running out of those little chipmunk cheeks of hers. I know she will look the same when she is eating from a bottle as she is drifting off to dreamland, but it's just not the same.
Showing posts with label Sad. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sad. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Change in plans
Unfortunately, after a meeting with my boss at the end of last week, I discovered that I'm not going to be able to cut my hours at the VA like I originally thought. If I drop to anything less than 80 hours/2 weeks I will have to pay back the $5,000 sign-on bonus that I got when I started working there a year ago. The only way around it will be to finish out the next year (until Sept. 14, 2010) or buy myself out of it. However, the job at the pain clinic is too good to pass up and there is definitely the potential for me to get a full-time position. Eventually. Just not right now. So, for now my only option is to continue working nights at the VA (because a day shift position won't become available for years and this is not an exaggeration) and stay prn at the pain clinic. The good news is I'm making really good money at the pain clinic, it's relatively easy work, and I'm getting experience in a new area of nursing. The bad news is, I don't get to see my kids nearly as often as I want to, Greg is still in Kansas City more often than not (and helping his dad quite a bit on the weekends), and I'm flipping between day shifts and night shifts. So, the situation is not as wonderful as it could be but it's definitely not the end of the world. So for now, we will just keep on doing what we have been doing and keep praying that God's reason for these obstacles will be revealed sooner rather than later.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Anniversary
Since it's officially the 16th now, I can say that it has been 10 years since I got my driver's license! I remember how horrible the woman was and lied to my mom when she told me that I almost hit a cop (which I didn't). She also told her that I BARELY passed. Whatever. I passed. Just give me my damn license, lady. She also told me at the beginning that she was my instructor. Not my friend. Good because you suck and I don't like you anyway, snatch.
Now, on a more serious note. While in some ways July 16th will stick out in my mind as a liberating and exciting day, it will also stick out as a day I will never forget for a much worse reason. That evening I went to work at the restaurant in Auxvasse (back then it was still Auntie M's and some of the best food I have ever eaten) and had big plans to celebrate my newly obtained driver's license that night with my friends. I very distinctly remember that we had just closed (it was a week-night so it must have been just after 8pm) and I was refilling the ketchup bottle on the table by the hallway leading to the bathrooms. I heard the bells on the door and looked up annoyed because we were closed and while I had remembered to flip the open/closed sign around, I had forgotten to lock the front door. I then remember being filled with panic because when I realized who the "customer" was, I realized that it was a friend of my dad's and he was rushing toward me. I sat the ketchup bottle down on the table as he grabbed my hand and yelled to my boss that I had to go. The next 10 minutes were an absolute blur. I remember that we rushed out of the restaurant and I kept asking him what was going on and all he would tell me was that my grandpa had been in an accident and we were going to meet my parents. When we got to my dad's parent's house there were TONS of cars and people there and I was still in a daze. I could not, for the life of me, figure out what all of these people were doing there. I rushed inside just in time to hear my grandma say the word "autopsy" and I totally lost it. Up until that moment all I knew was that Grandpa had been in an accident but I had NO IDEA that he had actually died. Turns out, Grandpa had not been feeling well for a few days but was determined that he was going to get a field of hay cut that day. So, he went out on his tractor as he did most days. Only, ten years ago was not like most days. Ten years ago he never came back. A neighbor found him lying in the field. After the word autopsy, I remember I rushed outside because I COULD NOT get enough air. Then I was on the ground. Then the dad of one of my aunt's was trying to help me up because apparently I had nearly passed out. The next few days were kind of a blur but I remember feeling totally empty and so pissed that there was no explanation. I hated the fact that my grandpa was taken from our family and we had no idea why. I do remember how un-Godly hot it was during the visitation and funeral and we had planned on having a 3 hour visitation but it ended up lasting 5ish hours because my Grandpa was the freaking shit and had tons of friends and he seriously knew EVERYBODY within a 100 mile radius of his house. There were several old people there that we let jump the enormously long line because it was 100+ degrees outside and they were determined to pay their respects but we were worried about them having a heat stroke. The day of the funeral was just as bad because we were dressed in black. In July. In Missouri. I think the funeral was sometime around 2pm which was the worst possible time of day to be outside in July in Missouri dressed in black.
So, in order to make myself feel better about today I have decided that it would be GREAT if baby G made her appearance sometime today. Or at least put me into labor today. That way, I would have two fond memories of today and one shitty one.
Now, on a more serious note. While in some ways July 16th will stick out in my mind as a liberating and exciting day, it will also stick out as a day I will never forget for a much worse reason. That evening I went to work at the restaurant in Auxvasse (back then it was still Auntie M's and some of the best food I have ever eaten) and had big plans to celebrate my newly obtained driver's license that night with my friends. I very distinctly remember that we had just closed (it was a week-night so it must have been just after 8pm) and I was refilling the ketchup bottle on the table by the hallway leading to the bathrooms. I heard the bells on the door and looked up annoyed because we were closed and while I had remembered to flip the open/closed sign around, I had forgotten to lock the front door. I then remember being filled with panic because when I realized who the "customer" was, I realized that it was a friend of my dad's and he was rushing toward me. I sat the ketchup bottle down on the table as he grabbed my hand and yelled to my boss that I had to go. The next 10 minutes were an absolute blur. I remember that we rushed out of the restaurant and I kept asking him what was going on and all he would tell me was that my grandpa had been in an accident and we were going to meet my parents. When we got to my dad's parent's house there were TONS of cars and people there and I was still in a daze. I could not, for the life of me, figure out what all of these people were doing there. I rushed inside just in time to hear my grandma say the word "autopsy" and I totally lost it. Up until that moment all I knew was that Grandpa had been in an accident but I had NO IDEA that he had actually died. Turns out, Grandpa had not been feeling well for a few days but was determined that he was going to get a field of hay cut that day. So, he went out on his tractor as he did most days. Only, ten years ago was not like most days. Ten years ago he never came back. A neighbor found him lying in the field. After the word autopsy, I remember I rushed outside because I COULD NOT get enough air. Then I was on the ground. Then the dad of one of my aunt's was trying to help me up because apparently I had nearly passed out. The next few days were kind of a blur but I remember feeling totally empty and so pissed that there was no explanation. I hated the fact that my grandpa was taken from our family and we had no idea why. I do remember how un-Godly hot it was during the visitation and funeral and we had planned on having a 3 hour visitation but it ended up lasting 5ish hours because my Grandpa was the freaking shit and had tons of friends and he seriously knew EVERYBODY within a 100 mile radius of his house. There were several old people there that we let jump the enormously long line because it was 100+ degrees outside and they were determined to pay their respects but we were worried about them having a heat stroke. The day of the funeral was just as bad because we were dressed in black. In July. In Missouri. I think the funeral was sometime around 2pm which was the worst possible time of day to be outside in July in Missouri dressed in black.
So, in order to make myself feel better about today I have decided that it would be GREAT if baby G made her appearance sometime today. Or at least put me into labor today. That way, I would have two fond memories of today and one shitty one.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Now that the cat is out of the bag
Now that we have told both sets of parents, I feel like we can safely announce that we are moving. We were planning on listing the house today (Monday) but have put it off a week because there is just not enough time/energy in a weekend! Greg has to do a majority of the work by himself because I can't/he won't let me help but I have been packing a few boxes every day of things that we can live without so that the house looks less cluttered and better for pictures. We are planning to move somewhere near Oak Grove, MO which is on this side of KC and is only about 1.5 hours from Columbia.
We know that there are definitely negatives to us leaving, but the big positive that out-weighs everything else is that Greg, Brock, baby G and I will be able to be together as a family most evenings/nights. It has been a rough 2+ years, especially with me being pregnant again. We know that some (if not most) of our family will be upset for a while but we hope that you can be understanding of our situation. Trust me, this is not something that we planned to do, but we have to make this move so that we can be a family. It's not fair to Greg to have missed out on the first 2 years of his son's life and we are not willing to make that sacrifice again. Also, I am being pulled in every possible direction since I am basically a single mom while Greg is gone and it is really wearing on both of us. We still love you all very much and Kansas City is not Mars, so we can come back home every now & then.
We don't have all of the details worked out just yet as far as when we are leaving, mostly because it all hinges on when our house sells and how close that date is to my due date. I am planning on continuing to work down here until my maternity leave is effective because, let's face it, not too many places are going to hire a woman that is 6 months pregnant. (Yes I know that it's technically illegal to discriminate based on that fact, but there are ways around it.) Other than the above, there is not too much else to tell other than we are actively looking for buyers for our house, so if you know of somebody that is interested, give them my number! I promise to keep everybody posted via the blog (or our moms) with any updates. Also, if anybody wants to help us pack, just let us know!
We know that there are definitely negatives to us leaving, but the big positive that out-weighs everything else is that Greg, Brock, baby G and I will be able to be together as a family most evenings/nights. It has been a rough 2+ years, especially with me being pregnant again. We know that some (if not most) of our family will be upset for a while but we hope that you can be understanding of our situation. Trust me, this is not something that we planned to do, but we have to make this move so that we can be a family. It's not fair to Greg to have missed out on the first 2 years of his son's life and we are not willing to make that sacrifice again. Also, I am being pulled in every possible direction since I am basically a single mom while Greg is gone and it is really wearing on both of us. We still love you all very much and Kansas City is not Mars, so we can come back home every now & then.
We don't have all of the details worked out just yet as far as when we are leaving, mostly because it all hinges on when our house sells and how close that date is to my due date. I am planning on continuing to work down here until my maternity leave is effective because, let's face it, not too many places are going to hire a woman that is 6 months pregnant. (Yes I know that it's technically illegal to discriminate based on that fact, but there are ways around it.) Other than the above, there is not too much else to tell other than we are actively looking for buyers for our house, so if you know of somebody that is interested, give them my number! I promise to keep everybody posted via the blog (or our moms) with any updates. Also, if anybody wants to help us pack, just let us know!
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